Wednesday
29Jul2009

Bob goes to Baltimore & DC

Bob was super excited to be traveling to the North East of the country for the first time ever. He was ready to get out of the Texas summer heat! He woke up early and hopped on the plane to Baltimore. along the way he met some nice cowboys who gave him his very own cowboy hat. Bob was over the moon! He was quite comfortable flying in the cabin this time as opposed to in a suitcase as he had in the past when he was a young and scared little voodoo doll. He credits his new found courage to his transference to a new body!

The first thing he wanted to do after landing in Baltimore was go to the mall. He heard there was a huge outlet mall close by and wanted to check it out to see if they sold voodoo doll clothes! needless to say there was no voodoo doll store and Bob was a bit disappointed until he met some new friends at Old Navy who invited him to be in their crew. They showed him around and introduced him to all the hot-spots of the mall. They let him drive the big boat that they owned and also let him take a spin in their four-wheeler. Bob was in heaven and wished he could live in that mall forever like his new friends. He really wanted to go to Medieval Time but his friends were afraid he would get speared so they advised against it. The mall was Bob's new favorite place.

The next day Bob decided that since he was an American voodoo doll he needed to catch the train to Washington DC and learn a bit of US history. He said that they don't teach much of that type of history in voodoo school! Bob hopped on a trolley and took a tour of all the big sites in DC. He stopped at a few sites and decided the best course of action would be to kiss all the monuments to America's great leaders for luck. He's very into luck as a voodoo doll as you can imagine! He kissed George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Jefferson too! With the big three covered Bob thought his luck would last forever! While in DC Bob ran into Barack Obama and his wife Michelle, none other then the President of the United States. Obama had noticed him when he was posing in front of the White House and invited him in for some dinner and a photo op with he and his wife. Bob was starstruck to say the least and managed not to make a complete fool of himself! They had a lovely dinner and then Bob had to excuse himself because he has a baseball game to go to!

Bob caught the bus downtown to the Nationals Ballpark and President Obama had hooked him up with some awesome seats so he was in the lap of luxury! unfortunately the game got rained out and he had to head back to the train station so he could catch the last train back to Baltimore. The last thing little Bob wanted to do was get stuck in a DC train station for the night!

The next day Bob decided to wander around Baltimore and ended up at the Inner Harbor where he found "The Ducks." This was a amphibious vehicle that went on the land and the water! Bob hopped on and took a tour and actually managed to get on free because someone recognized him from his website! The best part of the tour was the "Quakers" that everyone was given to quack along on the ride and to quack at passers-by. It was hard for Bob to take that thing out of his mouth he was having so much fun! Bob loved the water and thought that Baltimore was a pretty amazing place! Bob said he can definitely see himself turning into a big city kinda voodoo doll! After the duck tour Bob wandered around downtown and found some pretty cool people and things. He found an awesome bike to ride, rode on an elevator, looked through a telescope, ran into some pirates, played some arcade games and had the time of his life.

The next day Bob was absolutely pooped and ready to head home. He had an awesome time in Baltimore and DC but was so exhausted that he had to ride in a wheelchair and luggage cart as his little voodoo doll legs wouldn't carry any further. He had to stop for a lot of rests in weird places like coke machines but he eventually made it home safe and sound! Bob is quite a fan of the North East and hopes to be invited back to the White House some day so he can go back!

AuthorJulie Burnfield | CommentPost a Comment | |
Thursday
18Jun2009

Bob Returns

I was just sitting at home about a week after Bob had gone missing, when I heard a soft knock on the front door. I was utterly shocked when I answered to see Bob standing there looking miserable. Most of his stuffing was gone and that which was still there was protruding filthily all around his body where his seam used to be. He was covered is dried caked on mud and what appeared to be some kind of stinky greasy substance. He couldn't stand up and his beard was mostly all pulled out. Needless to say he was not the happy devilish Santa Voodoo Doll that had left two weeks earlier.

I immediately brought him inside, repaired the stuffing I could, and tried to get him cleaned up as much as possible. Then I bandaged him up with some duck tape and rough stitching. He looked awful, simply horrible. Just a shell of what he used to be. Once I got his mouth back in working order he calmed down quite a bit. He was weak and feeble so I then laid him down to rest.

A few hours later I heard some groaning coming from his room and went in to check on Bob. It was a terrible sight. He was so flattened and disfigured I could hardly bare to gaze upon him. How could anyone be so cruel to such a sweet and innocent (okay maybe that's a bit of a stretch) little guy?

Bob motioned for me to come close. He then told me it was too late for him. He wasn't going make it. I started to say, he would be fine, and he could pull through. But he cut me off with a slight wave of his little frayed and flattened hand. He then quickly told me of a way he could be saved. You see, since Bob is a doll not a person, his life is not bound by his physical body the way a human's is.

He told me if I could remake a body for him that was similar enough to his old self he could transfer his life into the new body. But it had to almost indistinguishable, for his life essence only fits into the shape of his original body. He then explained that the transfer must be completed before sundown on the day he dies.

After coming to grips with the daunting task of recreating Bob, I asked him if he would share with me the tragic events that transpired after his abduction. He gave me a slight smile and looked at me with his one remaining button eye and said, "It was the most wonderful and tragically horrible experience of my life."

"I have seen things that are so spectacular that one can only dream of them and I have witnessed things that would turn a human's soul to utter blackness. What I have gone through answered every doubt of life, every illusion of spirit, and every question of conscience. The only reason I am here is because the knowledge I have gathered is so important nothing the powers of evil could throw at me, and believe me I was thwarted at every turn, was powerful enough to keep me from journeying back here to share my new found wisdom with the world."

Bob paused here for a second emitted a small wheeze and again motioned for me to come closer. Very quietly he continued, "What I am about to tell you will change the very fabric of our existence." [cough, cough]

"You must promise me..." [pause... wheeze...]

"promise... you will tell the world everything I tell you word... for.. word..."

"I will! I do!” I said.

He then continued, "When I..." [wheeze]

"I must cont..." [cough]

"It's too import... When I... was taken from Reno I was not... kidnapped." [long pause]

"I left on... my own! When I was leaving the city..." [long pause...]

Then his life left him.

Bob died.

I was in shock. Bob can't die! He hasn't completed all his travels yet. What about his story? What did he see? What knowledge does he possess? I then realized I now had only hours, not days as I originally expected, to remake Bob. I only had an afternoon and I had nothing, absolutely nothing, to get started with. Maybe if I could facilitate Bob's life transfer with only a little time passing he could still tell his story to the world.

I then set about the tiresome task of rebuilding Bob. I had no template, no experience, and no model to build from, just an overwhelming sense of urgency, a deep emotional sadness, and a great weight of responsibility to all of humankind. I used every ounce of creative problem solving I possessed and simply prayed it would be enough to recreate a suitable existence for Bob. Hours of toil and torment later, after many failed attempts, I stumbled upon the correct mixture of elements and as the last stitches of the seams fell into place, I hoped desperately that it was going to work. Had I beat the clock? Minutes before sundown with only a partially completed doll I placed the old and new together, following the directions earlier described by Bob himself to begin the transfer.

For a long while, nothing happened. And as the sun slowly slipped down below the horizon, the realization that I had failed began to sink in. What had gone wrong? The dolls looked the same. Had it been the few improvements I had added in, the double stitched seams, the fabric backing, and the higher quality burlap? Then just as despair began to set in, the new Bob began to show signs of life. At first just a faint whooshing sound, like a small slow moving fan, then a small movements of the hands and feet. Suddenly, Bob sat straight up. Took a deep gulp of air. Looked right at me and said, "It's all done!” He promptly fell right back down and went into a deep sleep.

Bob slept undisturbed for two days, finally arising shaken, weak, and confused on the third. He is alive and well. However, I doubt we will ever know what he had to share with the world. Apparently, I didn’t get the transfer started soon enough. While Bob is basically his old self, he is missing a few pieces. It’s as if some part of him didn’t make the transfer or if it did hasn’t successfully been configured and installed yet. Bob has no memory of his past travels. It is all gone. It could be that something in his future adventures will awaken his memories; no one is quite sure. All I can do now is nurse him back to full health and prepare him and myself for what he will do next. You never know what a Santa Voodoo Doll has going on in that little stuffed head of his, but I can assure you he does have a plan and they involve all of us.

Authorandyburnfield | CommentPost a Comment | |
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Sunday
14Jun2009

Bob goes to Reno, Nevada - And Gets Kidnapped!

Bob just up and decided one morning Reno, Nevada was the place for him to blow off some steam and meet some strange new people. So, after ignoring my concerns for his safety in such a rough town, he broke the ATM, literally. I guess they don't put enough money in those machines to cover Bob's accounts. Then he was on the plane and flying out to the Biggest Little City in the World. Bob immediately began making friends at the airport. He said he even met some strange guy that was, in his words, "nothing but bones." I think he must have been making stuff up. He spent some time listening to his iPod and then it was "All aboard!"

Not too long after take off the captain realized the co-captain had been left behind so he asked Bob to step in and help. Bob, oddly enough a fully licensed commercial airline pilot, was happy to help out. After safely piloting into the Reno airport the captain gave Bob a big thank you and the steward had so much fun he didn't want Bob to leave.

Reno was quite an exciting town! Everywhere he went Bob made friends. He picked up some gambling tips from the Cap'n, almost purchased a Harley, played the slots, and even met some nice ladies in the elevator on the way back to his room for the night. Bob, not used to all the free drinks they bring while throwing your money in the machines, wasn't feeling the best in the morning. The maid found him and had pity on him. She tried to make him comfortable because she knew he had another big night ahead of him.With the stand-up comedian and another "Santa"

That next night, at Catch a Rising Star Comedy Club, Bob made such an impression, the opening act had to stop the show! He was brought on stage to help out the comedian with his set. Then another wild thing, it appeared that Bob's long-lost-third-removed Santa cousin Claus was in the audience! Wow, two Santas on vacation at the same place, what are the chances? Next it was party time at the El Dorado Club. Bob was so annoyed at being carded to get in that he almost got into it with the bouncer. He literally had to be restrained! Once inside, Bob ordered the entire place a round the bartender was getting backed up, so Bob offered to help him pull a few beers. After getting all the drinks squared away, he had to get on stage and show the band how to really rock out.

After getting back to his room, he took care of some business and went promptly to bed. The next evening it was off to see the National Car Museum. Bob loves fast cars! He attempted to drive a few of them away, but alas, no gasoline in any of them! He even found a few cars that were just his size. "Hey! Does that thing have a Hemi in it?!?!"

Later that night, back at the casino, pirates showed up. Word of Bob the Santa Voodoo Bob and the piratesDoll's arrival had spread and they had to find out what all the to-do was all about. After listening to some of Bob's own high sea adventure stories (and some new member initiation), they readily accepted him into his ranks as a true scurvy pirate. A few drinks later and he had sweet talked himself all the way up to being their new pirate captain!

The next morning Bob got up early to survey his new empire and view of the snow-capped mountains was marvelous. With his new found power and leadership, Bob renamed the local radio station after himself. It was true, Reno was in love with Bob the Santa Voodoo Doll. He was king and his new subjects "groveled at his feet" (his words not mine). Apparently though, not everyone felt this love and admiration for the new king of Reno, because not twenty-four hours later Bob had disappeared! Gone! Vanished! No trace has been found as to his where-abouts. He was last seen on the casino floor playing the slots. The casino security was called in but the security tapes were already wiped clean. The police and detectives were contacted, reports were filed, people were fired, and new people hired, but Bob is still missing. And as is always the case in places and cases like these no one is talking. People are scared for their safety. There a lot of rumors flying around. Some believe that the casino made him disappear because they caught him in some elaborate cheating scheme. Some say the mob did it (someone always says the mob did it). Some say the previous pirate king couldn't deal with the disrespect of being replaced by a voodoo doll and had him "disposed of". Either way it's a mystery. Bob's gone and no one knows...nothin'...

Authorandyburnfield | CommentPost a Comment | |
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Wednesday
27May2009

Bob goes to Lisbon, North Dakota

Bob took a whirlwind, extended weekend trip to North Dakota. Lisbon, North Dakota to be exact. The trip started off easy enough, Bob insisted on riding the entire trip in special Voodoo Doll carrying case so he could see and interact with all the strange and wonderful people that can be found in airports while traveling.

The fist stop was at TGI Friday's in the Dallas-Fort Worth airport. Bob managed to make friends with a few of the wait staff. He even gave his information to the bar tender, who gladly accepted it, and explained his goal to travel the world.

Although he got quite a few stares, he made quite a few friends and talked to some cool people. Turns out a Santa Voodoo Doll is quite the ice breaker.

Once on the plane to Minneapolis/St. Paul, Bob spent the entire plane ride staring out the window. He kept making comments on how small everything appeared. He said it made him feel like he was a giant and could squash entire towns with his large feet. I guess he needs to cut back on the Godzilla films. He was quite humbled, however, upon arrival when he realized he hadn't actually gotten bigger and he was still a rather small doll. He spent the remainder of the traveling sulking in his carrier.

He perked up once he arrived in Lisbon and he saw all the fun games and toys that had been setup for his arrival. He played in the sand pile, hit the volleyball, and he even spent the night in a tent camping out in the back yard! And as if that wasn't enough he discovered that the town was so looking forward to him coming there that they built and entire play area in his honor. He said they called it a "park" which he thought was a bit strange because there were no cars there at all and they even forbade the use of horses and motorcycles. Bob did have fun cleaning up after all the pets (a joy he discovered in San Diego). This park had swings, slides, some strange device that went in circles till you throw up, and best of all a large stone wheel made especially for Bob to sit in. He even met some more little people that can't speak there. The only down side for him was that the swimming pool was closed. Bob did try to break in and go swimming anyway but he got caught before scaling the fence. He had to do some smooth talking to get out that jail sentence.

The highlight of the trip was attending the Lisbon High School Graduation where Bob was the guest speaker of honor. However, due to the strict zero photography restrictions in the gymnasium, there is no image of the great speech he gave. He did pose beside the school sign afterwards to prove he was there though.

On the trip home Bob really broke out of his shell. He showed his love of Fargo. He posed with the national wildlife in Minnesota. He even got to get his picture taken with a real life pro hokey player! he said his favorite part of the trip home though was riding all the moving walkways in the airport. He just kept riding and riding until he almost missed his flight home.

All in all Bob assured me he had a great trip and said he will definitely be going back to Fargo when he gets a chance.

Authorandyburnfield | CommentPost a Comment | |
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Sunday
10May2009

Bob's Trip to San Diego

Soaking up the raysBob was super excited to take his first trip out of state to San Diego, California. He was really wanting to soak up some of those Cali sun rays and work on his tan. He gets paranoid that he's a little pale sometimes and not so attractive to the ladies! As Bob had never flown before he decided to ride in the suitcase of his handler cause he thought he'd be safer there. As soon as he got out of the suitcase he was ready to get the party started. He was pretty happy with the luxury suite he got at the hotel-only the best for Santa voodoo dolls he says! After settling in of course the first place he wanted to go was out for some booze! After his trip to Glenrose he's developed quite the taste for beer! Luckily for him he found an English pub really close to the hotel and to his surprise he found out they had English Cider on tap there that he'd heard was amazing! The minute that cider touched his lips he knew he was in Heaven, it was the best thing he'd ever tried....so far!

Bob took it easy the first night and went back to the hotel to do some research on his laptop to find out all the hip and cool places to go in San Diego. The next day one of the first places he wanted to go to was In-N-Out Burger and luckily there was one pretty close to the hotel. He really liked their food but he was thoroughly convinced of how awesome it was when he found out they had sunbeds made just for Santa voodoo dolls! Finally he got the chance to soak up some rays!

Bob went out and about that evening and being in California he thought he'd try to get in touch with his green side! He tried a couple herbal cigarettes but didn't like those so he thought he'd do his part for the earth and start recycling and picking up his own poop that accidentally squeezed out while he was walking downtown.

That night Bob ended up at Karl Strauss Brewery and boy did he go crazy! He started off with a gallon of the red trolley beer and just got crazier and crazier from that point! Next came the pitcher of the hefeweizen beer that he absolutely loved so much he decided to dive right in and get the last drop. Somehow in his drunkenness he ended up with a knife in his hand and his friends got a little worried at that point! Finally to top the night off Bob decided to try another first-SHOTS!! Buttery Nipples to be exact! Needless to say that sent him over the edge! On the way home Bob decided to act the fool and slide down a couple stairways-not a good idea!

Bob was so hungover the next morning that he stayed in bed the whole day! When he finally got up he decided to nurse the hangover with some Filippi's pizza! He felt much better after that! After Bob got his second wind he decided to go to the San Diego Zoo! He rode the trolley which was super fun and fast and couldn't wait to meet all the animals. He got to ride the Skyfari and see all the animals from the birds eye view. Walking around the zoo he got to meet some amazing animals and even managed to get a few phone numbers from some of the hot female animals! He was too scared to take a picture with the polar bears so he just posed with the statue as he thought that was the safer bet! He met zebras and tried to eat their poo and then he met the giant panda and tried to eat her bamboo. He was acting quite the rascal! One of his favorite parts was posing with the Gorilla who was peeing at the same time as eating his poo... that was Bob's kinda guy! He saw the fish and the hippo but he swears that it wasn't him who pooped in the zoo...this time! When he came across the Tiger he got super scared and would hardly even pose for the camera, the tiger seemed to be giving him the evil eye! When he saw the elephants he tried to get on them and go for a ride so his handler had to hold him back! He swore that he was taller than the giraffes and actually challenged them to a basketball game at one point! Walking around the zoo was thirsty and tiring work so he stopped for a break and found an awesome seat that vibrated his tired and sore feet...and everything else! One of Bob's favorite zoo moments was when he walked up to the koalas and noticed that one of them was humping the tree! It was the funniest thing he'd ever seen! He decided to name him Karl the Koala in honor of Karl Strauss his favorite brewery in the world!

After walking around for what seemed like hours it was time to move on to the next adventure...a baseball game! Bob found a lovely lady at PETCO Park who told him everything he needed to know about the San Diego Padres and even got him in the good seats! He ran into an old buddy of his who was super excited to see him and insisted on taking a picture for old times sake! Bob really enjoyed the baseball game and even managed to snuggle up to a couple ladies! He discovered he was a messy eater when he tried to eat some popcorn and he also discovered that he REALLY loves Churros! Yum!

The next day Bob hit Pacific Beach, he was ready to PARTY!! He ate dinner at Round Table pizza which he was really impressed with and then headed out for his first official pub crawl! He drank some Mexican beer as it was Cinco De Mayo after all and ended up at a place called Bub's Dive Bar where he was in sports heaven watching both the hockey and basketball playoffs at the same time!

On Bob's last day in San Diego he headed to historic Old Town. He passed a pychic where he really wanted to get his palm read but unfortunately they were closed...he thought they really would have connected on a spiritual level seeing as he's a voodoo doll and all! Then he posed with some historic figures whose names he couldn't pronounce and then ended up at the most amazing Mexican restaurant called Café Coyote! He tried his first margarita there and was totally drunk after just one! Then he wandered old town stumbling around and ate some homemade candy while trying on some regional clothing. When he found himself stuck in a huge cactus he decided it was time to call it a night and head back to the hotel!

The next morning Bob didn't know if he wanted to stay or go and was quite despondent about leaving San Diego. However he got back in the suitcase and headed home to Texas. Bob had an amazing time on his trip and once he gets a real job he says he's moving back to San Diego for good!

AuthorJulie Burnfield | CommentPost a Comment | |
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